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First Steps When Facing Divorce

First Steps When Facing Divorce

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When we sense our marriage is ending, the first instinct is usually to run out and find a good lawyer.  While a good lawyer is usually critical to a successful divorce, several other activities are also important for a healthy outcome.  Unless you or others are in a dangerous situation, take your time to develop a strategy and a timeline to complete your objectives.  If you must go through a divorce, determine your parameters and primary goals.  Use these limitations and targets as the baseline for your strategy, put it in writing, and check back periodically to measure your progress.  Even if your initial reaction is to get a divorce settled as soon as possible, take some time to reflect and consider the advantages that a methodical, albeit extended, approach provides. 

To get you started on a positive course, here are some recommended do’s and don’ts for a healthy divorce: 

DO:

  1. Make sure your marriage is truly over. Before you rush out and start divorce proceedings, take some time to critically analyze the relationship.  Consider counseling, a weekend get-away with a close friend you can confide in, some time for reflection, or other alternatives to rationally determine if the marriage is salvageable. 
  2. Take care of yourself. Trying, challenging times are ahead, and chances are, there are children, parents, and other loved ones who will be trying to get through the rough seas too.  You need to take care of yourself first in order to make it through the challenges ahead and to be strong in the face of adversity.  It’s kind of like the air masks on an airplane.  You have to put yours on first or you may not be physically able to put on your child’s. 
  3. Get plenty of sleep. Of course, this is easier said than done. Your mind will be swirling for months – maybe even years, making it extremely difficult to sleep.  Start a log of your feelings and thoughts.  Keep it by your bed so you have an outlet if you wake up in the middle of the might.  Jot the thought down when it wakes you up and then try to go back to sleep.  Try to limit noises that might wake you up.  Install an intrusion alarm system (and use it).  Noises will be less likely to wake you up if you feel safer.  Create some white noise or listen to nature sounds to help you sleep.   
  4. Get regular exercise. Find something you enjoy and do it.  Need help transforming your everyday activities into part of your daily fitness routine?  See my article on taking your to-do list to the next level: 
  5. Consider adding yoga to your fitness routine. Yoga is a great way to reduce your stress and to train your mind to let go of negative thoughts.
  6. Find a trusted confidant that you can call or text anytime day or night. Even after you start your journal, there will be times you’ll want to share your thoughts.  Having that person to turn to reduces the risk that you will vent to your children or co-workers. 
  7. Establish separate accounts. If you and your spouse have joint accounts, establish separate bank accounts, credit cards, insurance, investments, and other accounts.
  8. Update your will. Update your will, remove your spouse, file in a safe location, and inform a trusted family member or friend. 
  9. Feel free to talk to your doctor if you feel anxious or depressed.
  10. Look into seeing a counselor if you feel the need. (Do some research so you get one that is right for you.)
  11. Ask your kids if they want to talk to a counselor. (Again, do some research so you get one that is right for them.)
  12. Get a lawyer you feel comfortable with. Do a lot of research and check around for reviews.  Call around and request additional information (including pricing) and set up an interview if you are interested.  Be cautious of attorneys that demand a lot of money upfront. 
  13. Prepare a draft separation agreement to get an idea of what you want to include in the final divorce agreement.
  14. Realize which friends you can trust. Unfortunately, there are some busy bodies out there who have too much time on their hands and just want to get involved in your business and talk.
  15. Always treat your spouse and eventually ex-spouse as a business partner, especially if you have children together. You will always have the kids in common so you will constantly have to engage in business transactions together. 
  16. Be open to a new social scene. Your friends and recreational activities are going to transform.  While it may be difficult at first, hang in there and be prepared to embrace a new perspective on life. 
  17. Stay hopeful. Things WILL get better.  Fast forward in your mind to the future and imagine how happy you will be when this is all behind you.
  18. Maintain your sense of humor.

 

DON’T:

  1. Bad mouth your spouse in front of others – especially the kids. Again, easier said than done, but this is a critical issue.  You will want to vent, which is why you need a trusted confident and a journal.
  2. Be surprised when your married friends don’t invite you over anymore. Your relationship with them is going to change and they may not include you in their activities.  Keep your chin up – there are people like you who are waiting to befriend you and are anxious to engage in new social activities.
  3. Give the kids the impression you’re in a new relationship until they are ready for that. If they feel you are moving on too quickly, they may associate that transition with the divorce.  Be patient and discreet.
  4. Get caught up in a bad rebound relationship. If you do, chalk it up as a character building experience and learn from it.
  5. Drink too much or start taking drugs. If you do find yourself drinking or medicating more than you feel comfortable with, consider talking to your doctor and other approaches to managing stress, anxiety, and/or depression.
  6. Be surprised if your ex-spouse’s family treats you differently. Your relationship with them is changing, and they are going through pain and suffering too.  It is natural for them to support their offspring. 
  7. Be surprised if your family (your parents and siblings) take it hard – there is no support system for them and they may be hurting too.
  8. Give up hope. Things will get better – it just takes time.  As Samuel Herring sings in the Future Islands’ song, “Balance,” “You can clean around the wound, but if you want it to heal, it just takes time.” 
Food for Fitness

Food for Fitness

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What you eat and when you eat it have a significant effect on the effectiveness of your exercise.  We get our energy from macronutrients, substances found in carbohydrates, protein and fat, and the average adult should get about 50% of their calories from carbohydrates, 25% from fat, and 25% from protein. 

The founder of “The Fit Foodie,” Mareya Ibrahim, recently published an interesting piece on what to eat before and after exercise.  In this piece, she explains that your body needs different types of nutrition for different needs as it converts food into energy.  Some tips she provides include: 

- Enjoy a balanced nutritious meal 2 ½-3 hours prior to exercise in order to allow for digestion. Combine mostly high quality, slow-burning carbohydrates like beans, whole grain breads and cereal, fruit and vegetables, such as spinach, kale, tomatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, and cucumbers.  Pair your slow-burning carb with some protein and a little fat to help sustain you through your workout.

- If you are short on time and can’t fit in a full meal 2 ½ to 3 hours before your workout, you can still eat a decent pre-workout meal.  Just keep in mind that the sooner you eat before your workout, the smaller and simpler the meal should be.  If you eat 45-60 minutes before your workout, choose foods that are simple to digest and contain plenty of carbs and some protein, like a protein shake or energy. Don’t worry about the carbs … they are necessary, and your body will quickly convert them into energy! 

- If you are doing an endurance or long distance event for over 2-3 hours, can add an electrolyte-rich beverage or easy-to-digest food to your diet to help keep your glucose levels sustained, like coconut water or a banana. Otherwise, you may run out of energy and “hit the wall.” 

- As a post workout meal, enjoy a healthy serving of quality protein, like chicken, fish, eggs, or beans, and healthy fats like avocado, nuts, seeds and other quality foods no more than 2 hours after completion, but ideally within an hour. This is when your body needs the proteins to convert into amino acids for muscle repair and building.

- Don’t forget to hydrate! Drinking water before, during and after exercise is critical.  For more information on hydration and exercise, see my article on healthy hydration.  (Insert link here)