As kids return to school, parents would be wise to plan in advance on how they plan to motivate their children. If you typically reward your children for good grades, you are not alone. Consider this excerpt by Jessica Lahey from the Washington Post.

“When I’m in schools talking to kids about resilience and learning through failure, I usually begin with a quick survey. First, I ask teachers and staff in the auditorium to close their eyes. I then ask the students to raise their hands if they get paid cash money for good grades. Depending on the socio-economic makeup of the district, about 15 to 20 percent of hands go up.

Sometimes it takes a while, hands creeping up slowly, hesitantly, for kids seem to intuit that getting paid for grades may not be the best approach to learning. I then ask them to raise their hands if they get any material thing in exchange for grades; a new iPod or some other shiny enticement. In response, about 20 to 25 percent of the hands go up. The noise in the auditorium tends to amp up with each new question as students begin to compare notes. When the clamor dies down, I remind the staff of the rules: eyes closed, no peeking. And I warn the students that this last question is a little harder to answer, and I want them to think and search their hearts for an honest answer before they respond.

“Raise your hand if you truly believe your parents love you more when you bring home high grades, and love you less when you make low ones.”

Over the past five years, I’ve asked this question to thousands of kids, ages 12 to 18, and the percentages still surprise me. Among middle-school children, about 80 percent believe that, yes, their parents truly love them more when they deliver high grades and less when they make low ones. In high school, the average is a little higher — about 90 percent.

After the poll is over, we debrief, and I reassure them that for the most part, their perceptions are incorrect, that they are loved no matter what, but parenting is hard, and we parents often need a moment to come up with the right response to an unexpectedly low grade. Sure, we are disappointed, but that silence they encounter when they bring home a report card littered with B-minuses (B-minus is the new F, haven’t you heard?) does not mean we love them any less. I promise, we’re just pausing to find the best, most appropriate words to support their hearts, their minds and their intellectual growth.

I’m a parent, however, and I understand the truth behind that pause, even if I don’t want to admit it. That silence in response to a low grade? That’s withdrawal of love based on performance, and our kids hear us loud and clear.”

Based on Lahey’s account, the vast majority of parents should reconsider the use of extrinsic rewards and revise their motivational strategies. According to recent studies, this practice of “outcome love” may impede a child’s happiness by sending the wrong message. The concept of outcome love was presented by Dr. Jim Taylor, an internationally recognized authority on the psychology of sport and parenting. According to Dr. Taylor, outcome love is an arrangement in which parents give love in exchange for their children’s success and withdraw love as a punishment for failures. This may sound like a harsh assessment at first, but think about it. A parent may say “we love you the same no matter what grades you bring home,” and then offer cash when the grades are good and grimaces when the grades are poor. Despite what you may say to your children about your unconditional love, they learn much more from your actions then from words.

As Dr. Taylor elaborated, “If parents send frequent messages of love, happiness, and excitement when children are successful and frequent messages of withdrawal of love or anger, frustration, and disappointment when their children fail to live up to their parents’ expectations, the kids will make that connection.”

Not only does this misguided technique affect children’s short-term happiness, but it can also have long-term, detrimental effects on mental health that extend into adulthood. In an interview with Washington Post reporter Jessica Lahey, Dr. Taylor indicated, “Sadly, these messages fuel mental health problems including perfectionism, fear of failure, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety, not to mention the reactions of resentment, anger, and rejection from the children towards their parents. Even more painfully, this attitude of outcome love becomes internalized and children grow up to be adults who berate themselves for failure and only give self-love when they succeed.”

In addition, when love is offered in exchange for performance, it becomes an extrinsic reward, an incentive that is external to the work itself, controlled by people outside of the work stream. In a classic meta-analysis by Edward Deci, researchers synthesized the results from 128 controlled experiments. The results highlighted consistent negative effects of incentives, from marshmallows to dollars, on intrinsic motivation. These effects were even greater when the tasks were interesting or enjoyable rather than boring or meaningless. The data on extrinsic rewards and their effects on motivation are clear. If we want children to succeed in any activity, including academics, sports, or playing an instrument, the fastest way to undermine their success is to offer material or emotional rewards.

The most effective way to motivate children and help them become internally motivated by teaching them about purpose. As Dr. Kate Roberts explains in Psychology Today, humans are naturally curious. Therefore, making the connection between the intrinsic value of learning and purpose is relatively easy, especially when learning is seen as the ultimate goal and grades and performance are not overemphasized. By helping children become more engaged in the learning process, parents help them become better students and facilitate a deeper understanding of how and why learning is important. Here are four tips Dr. Roberts offers:

1. Exemplify purposefulness. Parents who want to motivate children through internal purpose can demonstrate this principle through their own actions. Show that you are committed to a purposeful life where hard work and effort result in positive feelings even if the goals take time or are difficult to achieve.
2. Communicate purposefulness. Have your child define who they want to be and how they want to live, and help them identify how they can achieve this through their daily actions.
3. Help connect behavior with results. Some children are unable to quickly make the connection between geometry homework and obtaining their goal of being an effective thinker or getting into college. Parents can help children make the connection by explaining why and how certain activities are essential to achieving goals.
4. Facilitate internal reflection. When a child demonstrates hard work, reflect this back to them in a way that helps them see their skills and abilities. A statement like, “Those boxes are heavy and I am impressed that you were able to carry them all upstairs.” This allows the child to make the attribution internally between their behavior and their physical strength, resulting in thoughts like “I am strong” that come from within and not from external forces.

As difficult as it is to confront underachievement, treat these moments as opportunities to focus on character and help develop internal motivation that will serve your child beyond the school year and into all aspects of life. As Lahey suggests, if we want our children to truly believe that we value learning more than grades or scores, we need to put our money where our mouths are.